Lines of Support

December 3, 2006

Jim Wilson’s 2 December 2006, New York Times article, “Supporting Boys or Girls When the Line Isn’t Clear,” describes the difficulty of rearing children who struggle with gender identity. Two differing views of how to deal with this are presented, although the predominant one is that parents should follow the child’s lead, and allow the child to express whichever gender is desired. In fact, some of the parents are described as controlling all the influences they possibly can, in attempts to “support” their children. Schools are apparently being called upon to foster the assumed gender as well, in terms of addressing the children and the provision of lockers/changing areas. Now, apparently, medication is being sought to further prop up these social constructs, in order to delay onset of puberty, lest the arrival of same cause distress to the point of suicide attempts.

Rearing children is a challenging proposition from the outset, and it doesn’t seem to get necessarily easier as they grow. The symptoms change, and the reactions vary, but the process still contains essential elements of growth, development, and ultimately, (in most cases) separation from the parents of the child. Pain and suffering are part of the experience; but then, so are joy and pleasure.

How do we support and love our children who struggle? Children and adults can be hurtful in attitude, words, and actions. Who among us has not received such treatment, or on occasion, doled out such treatment, in our lives? That is not to excuse it, but to recognize that it does, indeed, happen. Parents need to protect children from a variety of events, situations, and influences. Each parent draws lines in order to accomplish that.

How far must society go in supporting parental choices? Puberty is part of the human condition. In differing ways, puberty is at times uncomfortable, messy, and socially difficult for both sexes. Emotions are variable, sometimes extremely so. For the overwhelming majority of people, gender is clear at birth, in terms of physical body form and function; it is not a social construct. Young women will not, no matter their desires or their parents’ provisions, be at risk of testicular torsion. Young men will not experience the onset on menses. If children have not been encouraged to accept their gender by the pubescent years, are they really well served by delaying their biology further? At what point should they be allowed to confront it? Who decides? Do we allow, and even encourage denial, until they are 18? 21? 64?

Since when do we get to choose everything? If I am actually fifty, can I choose to be 33 again? Can I insist that the law treat me as that age, that insurance companies give me health and life insurance for that age? Acceptance is often not very pleasant, but then neither is propping up someone else’s house of cards.